Aries: The bag lady dosen’t end, she just keeps going inward forever.
Taurus: Don’t be so afraid, or do, it depends on if your hair stands on end.
Gemini: Most of us have spare eyes. You have far too many.
Cancer: Buckle yourself to the toilet, its gonna be a bumpy ride hombre.
Leo: Find the small stone wall by your house and smash every glass bottle you can find against it. It’ll be kinda fun.
Virgo: The stars say you might enjoy celtic punk if you gave it a try.
Libra: Take a new hold of life! Lasso all your problems before you solve them!
Scorpio: Worry not. You will find true love in the spiciest of places.
Saggatarius: Every song you have ever sung has been a duet.
Capricorn: Tape your fingers together, it will bring you momentary enjoyment.
Aquarius: Picture, in your mind, a personification of everything plaguing you. Now kick it square in the nuts.
Picses: Learn to appreciate your ability to shoot blood from your eyes like a treefrog. In all honesty its pretty badass.
Normal Horoscope
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screaming into the void since '89 