normal-horoscopes:

Aries: The bag lady dosen’t end, she just keeps going inward forever.

Taurus: Don’t be so afraid, or do, it depends on if your hair stands on end.

Gemini: Most of us have spare eyes. You have far too many.

Cancer: Buckle yourself to the toilet, its gonna be a bumpy ride hombre.

Leo: Find the small stone wall by your house and smash every glass bottle you can find against it. It’ll be kinda fun.

Virgo: The stars say you might enjoy celtic punk if you gave it a try.

Libra: Take a new hold of life! Lasso all your problems before you solve them!

Scorpio: Worry not. You will find true love in the spiciest of places.

Saggatarius: Every song you have ever sung has been a duet.

Capricorn: Tape your fingers together, it will bring you momentary enjoyment.

Aquarius: Picture, in your mind, a personification of everything plaguing you. Now kick it square in the nuts.

Picses: Learn to appreciate your ability to shoot blood from your eyes like a treefrog. In all honesty its pretty badass.

uselesstwinkharker:

i used to work with a lady from texas & she slammed her hand in a drawer & yelled “mother freakin humper” & thats what quincey morris said when he got all fucked up at the end of the book